Why You Want to Stop Saying Good Job to Your Kids
When I first started working with children I used the phrase “good job” a lot. I wanted to encourage children and show them my support. And while the intentions were good, the choice of my words wasn’t. Over time, I’ve noticed that Montessori teachers rarely use this phrase. I was eager to learn why. One day I came across a book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” written by Carol S. Dweck, Ph. D. This book gave me a whole new understanding of the importance of our language. And how it affects the child’s mindset. Let's be honest, we're all guilty of saying "good job" once in a while. But why does it do more harm than good if used constantly (as a lavish praise)?
What can happen when you constantly say "good job" to your children?
Their intrinsic motivation will decrease. In other words, they'll stop doing an activity because it's fun or because it feels good. Instead they'll engage in the activity to get some reward - for example your praise. When I worked in a classroom, there was one preschooler who was mass producing art work. He would use 10 papers in about an hour. After finishing each picture, he would come to me and ask: “Do you like my picture?” I knew what he was waiting for. Instead of giving him praise, I asked: “What do you think about the picture? Tell me more about it..” I wanted him to realize that what he thinks is more important than what anyone else thinks. Plus I wanted him to think if he really did his best.
They will..
.. become addicted to external praise to feel worthy and validated.
.. link success to “being a good girl/ good boy”, “being smart” or “being talented.” But what about when they fail? They may think that failing means opposite to success. That failing means “not being a good girl/good boy”, “being dumb”, “not talented.”
.. attach success and failure to their identity rather than actions that are natural part of learning. They'll avoid challenges because they'll fear failing. In the book, Mindset, one of the participants of Carol Dweck’s research described how praising affected her life. She said:
“I remember often being praised for my intelligence rather than my efforts, and slowly but surely I developed an aversion to difficult challenges. Most surprisingly, this extended beyond academic and even athletic challenges to emotional challenges. This was my greatest learning disability – this tendency to see performance as a reflection of character and, if I could not accomplish something right away, to avoid that task or treat it with contempt.”
How can you praise more effectively?
Appreciate and praise your child's efforts. Let them know that you see that they’re working hard. That they’re trying and doing their best. Avoid giving them praise that's connected to their identity.
How does this look? What can you say instead of...?
.. Good job. Say: You did it!
.. Good job. Say: Thank you
.. Good job. Describe what your child did. Example: You tied your shoes all by yourself. How does it feel?
.. You're a good girl/good boy. Say: Thank you for helping me.
.. You're so smart/talented Say: You worked really hard on this. or You put all your effort into this.
.. You're so artistic. Say: I like the colors you used. Tell me more about your picture.
By praising their effort, your child will:
learn that mistakes are natural part of any learning process
understand that developing a new skill requires effort rather than having a talent. (How many times have you heard someone saying “I can't learn this. I'm not as talented as so and so.”)
know that he or she is worthy no matter if they're succeeding or failing
Do you want to learn more about praising and how it develops either the fixed or the growth mindset? The book, Mindset by Carol S. Dweck is must-read.
What are your favorite phrases to praise your child?