Why I Do Montessori with My Daughter and Why You Need to Know Your Reasons Too
Being a Montessori parent comes with unique challenges. At some point, you’ll need to answer curious questions. For example: “Why does your little one have so few toys?” “Why are they wooden?” “Why do you let them help you in the kitchen?” Isn’t it dangerous for them to use a real knife?” “Why are they sweeping instead of playing?” and many others. Montessori parents often feel misunderstood by their relatives and fellow moms. The other day, I talked to a mom who felt hurt by all these questions asked with a judgmental tone. I wondered what could help her. And I found a straightforward solution.
Write down your WHYS. Why do you do Montessori with your kids?
Once you are crystal clear on that, you’ll feel more confident to answer these questions. And they won’t bother you anymore. I decided to write my why’s as a letter for Emma if she ever comes to me and asks: “Mom, why did you do this”?
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Letter to Emma - Why I do Montessori with you
Embracing struggle
I let you struggle with things, for example, with putting on your shoes. It’s not because I’m enjoying it but because I know you need to struggle a little to learn something new.
By doing this, I’m telling you: I see your struggle. I’m by your side to support you, but I won’t do that for you. I know that you can do hard things. You will struggle but guess what? Next time it will be less challenging, and then even less, and finally, you will put your shoes on with ease. You will feel accomplished and proud of yourself. That expression on your face will be priceless.
If I always do things for you, I’m sending you the following messages: You cannot do things for yourself. I don’t want to find time to show you. Don’t even try. Struggling is not something to embrace. You should avoid new challenges as much as possible. These are not messages I want you to take in because they wouldn’t serve you well in life.
Offering minimal help
If you can’t do something, I’ll find ways to let you do at least part of it. For instance, you can’t put your t-shirt on all by yourself. I’ll help you put the t-shirt over your head. But I’ll let you put your arms through the sleeves because that’s what you can do without my help.
Including you in the household
I let you help me in the kitchen, not because I want you to start cooking for me in a couple of years (it would be nice, though). I include you in cooking activities because you’re interested and you’re enjoying it. You love to wash fruits and vegetables, chop zucchini for chili, mix a batter for healthy muffins. When you come to me and say: “muffiny” (a Czech word for muffins), I know it’s time to do some baking. I love seeing your growing confidence in the kitchen that will go far beyond these life skills.
I let you sweep, dust, and do dishes, not because it’s faster or easier when you do that (it’s the other way around). I include you in these activities because you want to do what you see me doing, and you think it’s fun to do these things. You’ve been craving these Practical Life activities since you were a young toddler.
Praising
I don’t tell you “good job” or “you’re a good girl.” Not because I don’t want to encourage you. But because I’m not here to judge your work or your personality. I don’t want you to become addicted to my praise or someone else’s praise to feel worthy and validated.
Your feeling of worthiness doesn’t depend on me telling you “good job” or “you’re a good girl.” You know when you’re doing your best, and you know your worth. When I encourage you, I appreciate your efforts. I want you to know that I see that you’re trying hard and that I notice that. And that I appreciate this more than if something came easily to you. I hope you will develop a growth mindset, and I choose my language to reflect that.
A limited number of quality toys
You have about 6-8 toys on your shelf. Not because we can’t afford more or because I don’t want you to have a lot of toys. But because I know that your developing brain would get overwhelmed with too many toys. I understand that a few quality and intentional toys will allow you to focus and engage more. You will become more creative using a few toys at a time. Before giving you anything to play with, I ask myself: How is this helpful to your development?
Taking healthy risks
I’m not saving you from minor falls. Not because I want you to get hurt but because you need to fall. You need to fall and scrape your knees so you know how to coordinate your body. Perhaps slow down, watch what is in front of you. I know that each fall will give you the information you need to learn more about your body and how it works.
Flexibility & Observation
I offer you Montessori toys, but I don’t insist on you using them. If you aren’t interested, I don’t take it personally. I observe you, so I learn more about your needs and interests. Based on what I see, I offer things you could enjoy. Most of your self-initiated activities revolve around practical life. Cleaning and cooking are your go-to activities.
Responsibility
I let you put away your toys not because I couldn’t do that at the end of the day. But because I know you’re capable of doing that, and it matters to me that you learn to be responsible. Too many adults didn’t learn to accept their responsibilities. Just look at a grocery store parking lot. How many carts are there without being put back after use?
Acceptance of all feelings
I don’t try to cheer you up when you’re upset. I acknowledge your feelings and let you cry while being by your side. I want you to learn that your emotions are welcome, and you can express them healthily. That doesn’t mean to withhold them because they might make others feel uncomfortable. All your feelings are valid.
Beliefs
I do Montessori with you because I want to give you the best start in life. I’ve seen hundreds of children benefit from the Montessori approach. And they all had something in common. Montessori allowed them to become who they came to this world to be. It wasn’t about learning to write cursive when they were four. Or remembering their math facts when they were five. It was about intangible things that are hard to describe. It’s the confidence, happiness, independence, and creativity Montessori children embody. I can’t wait to see who you’ll become and feel humbled to be part of your journey.
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These are just a few points I’ve come up with now. I encourage you to do the same. Becoming clear on your whys will help you to be a more confident parent. You can also use your points to communicate your beliefs to others who play an active role in your child’s upbringing.
I’m curing what your reasons to do Montessori are. Please share a few with me in the comments.